a break.

the truth is, Lord, i miss him a lot and i'm too overwhelmed by their presence.

the fact is, Lord, we need a break from each other. 

the sad thing is, Lord, he needs it more than i do. they do not realize i need one too.

the obvious is, Lord, i'm scared of losing him. and them.

but the solution is, Lord, i'll wait even if it hurts. i'll make through it.

others may see that i'm a fool for waiting, a fool for not giving up, a fool for not thinking about myself first. I'm sorry. others may see i don't appreciate them, i get angry easily, i just want to have my way. I'm sorry.

the truth is i'm weak. i can't stand the pain. the truth is i still remember what happened in the past. i want to let it go, yet i fail. i want all of it to be gone, yet i remember. the truth is, i need a break from all of these. i need to be myself.

it's enough. enough is enough.

there's a time in life where one needs to be alone and seek a new purpose.a new beginning.a new goal.a new ambition.

i know it's now because i never felt so alone, so weak, so in need of God. not because i don't feel the same way before. not because of my relationship with ray. not because i'm scared to death of my results. not because nobody is around me. but it's because the feelings are stronger than ever. stronger that i could have ever felt in my life. the strongest so far. the time is now. the time is now.

MY TIME IS NOW.

Kini tibalah masanya untuk aku meninggalkan duniawi dan kembali kepada Allah Tuhanku; dan tenang di dalam cinta kasihNya.

Lord, bless my journey to You. Amen.

for better or for worse~

the very 1st day of PD class, already we were talking about teaching as a profession. how professional is this profession? what should one do to maintain that professionalisme? what? having those questions posted to myself, honestly, is...hmm..how should i put it...is...i dunno.i perceive the profession as one of the professionals, honestly i do, but i still uphold the belief that doctors and lawyers are MORE professional.but then again, even the most successful doctors and lawyers (or any kind of profession you can think of nowadays) were once upon a time, students too. they were taught by teachers. the same goes for teachers. they were taught by teachers too. the difference is that teachers are students for eternity. the learning never stops! ahakkks. so demanding la the work of a teacher... for better or for worse, once a teacher, always a teacher. i am a married lady now. married to my profession as a teacher. in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us apart. I will forever be a teacher. #freakingout!

praise the Lord who heals the brokenhearted.

dear Lord,

since coming back to IPIK, i feel so demotivated and down. i feel like giving up and i dont want to be here. i want to finish my studies but i dont want to be here. never in my mind have i ever thought to think about giving up, yet here i am, feeling like giving up. honestly, i am scared. i am scared if i am not able to complete my tasks, especially the research proposal.

i know there's something else happening to me, it's more than just about my studies or my assignments. i know Lord that i have not been talking to you lately, i know that i am slowly drifting away from you, i know that it's making you sad Lord. i'm sorry Lord.i'm sorry. at certain points of my life, i just started to have too much fun in my worldly life and did not take you as seriously as before. but i thank you Lord for all the trouble and challenges that i'm in now..i thank you Lord because i know it brings me back to you, thank you Lord, thank you for loving me even after i hurt you so much, thank you Lord...

i know Lord, it's time to stop quitting now. Lord, i don't want to regret just like the times when i decided to quit Taekwondo, to go somewhere very far everytime my heart is broken, to ask someone else to finish my work when i screw up, to ask ray or livy to drive for me just because i am scared and all those things that i chose not to do because of fear...it's time for me to stop all that and just face my fear.

help me Lord. guide me to find the courage to face all those challenges, guide me to the right path. i know i'm a sinful servant of yours, forgive me Lord, have mercy on me...i really need you now Lord. i am scared and i dont even know how to start, where to start. guide me Lord, guide me. protect me from every evil and distractions. help me Lord so i can do my best. amen!

changes.

change is permanent, some people; they change for the better, while some for the worse. well, whatever the changes may be, we should always expect that it's going to happen. nobody stays the same forever, life would be boring if everything and everyone stays the same.

often, i forget this! oh my.dear dear heart, please learn this lesson!

be it your family or your friends, they will always change! expect and embrace the changes, even if you're at the losing end. yes, you might lose something, but at least it won't be painful because you know it's coming.

i've changed, they've changed. perhaps, the pieces don't fit together anymore. and that's when you know, it's better to leave and just let it burn.

bila la kmurg mau try utk fhm prasaan sa hah...penat oowh sa ja yg slalu mencuba.penat always have to be the one to keep things going.penat ooo.pnah ka kmu consider psl sa?

i'm no believer of 2nd chances!

see the thing about me is that i hardly believe in 2nd chances! it's a good point sometimes...but it's also a bad point...reality is, once u make me angry, it's going to takeeee foreverrrrrrrr for me to forget about it although i try and say it's ok! once i hate u, i'll hate u biiiig time.we can try to make things ok again, but i'll still remember. pendendam?not so...i dont believe in revenge, it's just that i'll remember and i never want to go through the same situation again, hence, my reluctance to be in good terms again....thats it, i hate u means i hate u...maybe hate is a strong word.DISLIKE.yes dislike....thats it,i'm no hypocrite. if i say i dislike u, i mean it.wakakaka.

my karma is very strong, so i jussst know some ppl will feel the same way towards me too.no worries.every1 has the right to feel what they want, so i dont gv a damn.i'm just tryna live the best way i can.

the magic.

last nite, i texted with someone in my past :) ..."magic"is a word which i used most when we were together. indeed, he was 'magic'. he's some1 who always popped up whenever i thought about him, but then again, things are different now. although our relationship ended, we're still friends and that's good.

catching up with each other last nite was a good thing, we talked about what happened and what went wrong. he blamed it on his career which he said would make girls leave him, but he loves his work; and i'm glad he does. i left him because we have different commitments. we also talked about how each other's life is going and the simple things we used to enjoy conversing about.

i cant help but feel he is really something "magic" and i'm grateful for that. if it wasn't for him, i would not appreciate boo as much as i do now. i wont be as serious as i am now. i wont be able to handle long distance relationship the way i'm handling it right now. i cant help but think that god sent him to me to help me be a better person and prepare for the relationship i have now. so thank you for that, magic! :)